I Always Wanted a Taser!!
Just try reading this without laughing 'til you cry!!!
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety....??WAY TOOCOOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA
batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc
of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
spot is on the fa ce of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this
new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh &blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank t op with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water Any burst longer
than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible
way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, 'don't do it dip sh*t,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WEAPONS OF
MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position w
ith tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my
body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second
burst would be considered conservative?
*(^%#@, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I shit on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense
of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe
came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.